Yours in the Risen Lord
Alex Kwok
當我入讀彩虹邨天主教英文中學的中一時，因為是一所教區英文中學，故必須給自己選一個英文名。我選了Alexander 是「幫助／保護人類者」helper/protector of mankind 的意思，後來領洗時仍沿用這個聖名。年輕的我，倒也胸懷大志。這都是受樂意助人的父母薰陶所致。
中學時代我喜歡的電視節目，除了《獅子山下》，要數劉松仁主演的《北斗星》了。這個劇集令讀理科的我，在投考大學時，毅然選擇了社會科學學院。其實在現實生活中，天主早已為我安排了一顆真正的北斗星──達碑立神父。可敬的達神父是當時我所屬堂區的副本堂，他組織了一群男女青年學生（教友祗佔少數），探訪屋邨內的弱智及傷殘兒童，替他們免費補習、安排旅行、露營、聖誕聯歡會等活動。我們有幸在達神父的領導下，在愛德中日漸長大。
滿以為服務了弱能兒童幾年，就有足夠的愛德去做社工。豈料當年的社工系不設一年級，有志者先選修社會學及心理學。系內祗有三名男生，後來一個轉讀商科，一個自殺了，其壓力之大令人咋舌。所以，我最終也不是社會工作系畢業了。不過，路是不會白走的，祗會多走幾段歪路，多看幾遍風光而已。
大學畢業後的某個主日，我跟在獻酒水麵餅的教友之後，把學士袍捧到祭台前，接過的是年青的梁達材神父。初出茅廬的我，已萌事奉天主，服務教會的念頭。可是，做神父不是我的聖召，天主另有安排。我參加歌詠團，成了指揮，並認識了紥孖辮的司琴何秀玲。一段甜蜜的戀愛展開了，我們結婚了... 婚後搬到屯門，不覺已三十年。在贖世主堂亦落地生根，服務於聖詠團、慕道班和關社小組等。
八十年代初，微型電腦崛起，深水埗高登商場成了個人電腦發燒友的聖殿。在那裡可以經常踫到矢志活用電腦科技改善堂區管理和宣傳福音的陳有海神父，康建璋神父等。我亦當仁不讓，為各位神長開班，教授 DOS, WordStar, dBaseII，倉頡輸入法等。其中最令人敬佩的「學員」就是年過半百的黎和樂神父了！好勝的我除了樂於與人分享這新科技外，更沉迷於電腦軟件的解鎖，供大家免費享用，這種「黑客精神」倒也是服務大眾的變奏。可惜，專注過度，損耗心神，幾令太太成為「電腦寡婦」，而我亦賠上了健康：患上糖尿病，心理上墮入抑鬱的谷底。因為體力與心理因素，在學校已埋葬了想升主任或副校的野心；在堂區亦沉寂下來。除了聖詠團外，再沒有參與其他的活動，周年的堂區聚餐也不出席。
於是太太辭去她的教席，悉心照顧我這個大孩子和郭豫、郭謙這對小子。在她的體諒和支持下，我慢慢從谷底爬出，重拾信心。郭頤亦誕生了，她標誌著天主的恩寵從來沒有離開過我的家庭。而我亦默默地把電腦技能轉投到為墳場，為堂區及教區編寫資料庫程式上...
過了千禧年，三個孩子逐漸長大，最年幼的郭頤，雖然就讀小學，亦相當獨立。適逢曾繁興執事在堂區宣傳終身執事職務，又覺得做父母的責任可以輕鬆一點了，遂參加講座，看看自己可有做執事的聖召。豈料未幾太太第四度懷孕，雖然算不上是「高齡產婦」，但總不敢掉以輕心。心想，天主是召叫我做一個好丈夫、好父親，而不是做執事；郭進這小子（他與長子郭豫相差16歲）就是父親聖召的標記。從此，便打消了以執事的身份事奉天主，服務教會的念頭。
西鐵通車了，終於可以報讀多年來渴望進修的聖經學院文憑課程。「事事有時節，天下任何事皆有定時。」（訓3:1）原來天主有祂的全盤計劃，一早已在我心中播下各類恩寵，培育我成為祂應手的工具。何以見得？教書多年，從來沒有一年不是教聖經的。換句話說，我是在受薪讀聖經啊！太太說，我在一天的課擔完成後，再趕出市區攻讀聖經學院的課程，然後披星戴月趕回家。以我當時的健康狀況，理應是身心疲憊極了，但我反而愈讀愈精神！天主對我實在太好了。
2008年，天主教崇德英文書院慶祝創校金禧，我與另一位同事駕車接載陳志明副主教回校主禮。途中，賓主談笑甚歡，陳副主教亦樂意介紹執事團在教區內外的服務情況。不經不覺已過了汀九橋，陳副主教指示經大欖隧道駛往洪水橋，但我的同事卻慣性地轉入屯門公路，結果自投到塞車的羅網中。雖然我們遲到了，但我卻獲得了一番啟示！我的人生，在事奉天主，服務人群方面，因為性格的缺陷，主觀的意見太強，實在多行了不少冤枉路。不過我仍覺得萬事萬物是有定時的。郭進的出生，不一定是執事聖召的否定，可以理解成為天主培育計劃的一部份。同樣，患上糖尿病，不一定是對運用電腦科技的否定，亦可能是醫院牧靈的自我裝備。但始終，健康仍是令我裹足不前的因素。
與太太商量並獲得她的鼓勵後，我踏出回應執事聖召的一步。2009年五月，我向教區申請並蒙接納為「執事有志者」。同年九月，入讀聖神修院神哲學院宗教學部課程，開始執事聖職的培訓。2012年十二月底，教區收錄我為「執事候選人」，接受進一步的訓練和實習。在收錄禮當晚，窮寡婦故事（谷12:41-44）的啟示，令我豁然開朗，解除了我對健康的顧慮。耶穌稱讚窮寡婦，因為眾人都拿所餘的奉獻，而她卻從自己的不足中，把所有的都奉獻了。因此，我用不著等到健康完全康復，等到性格發展至完美無缺，等到退休後能騰出更多的時間，纔去回應天主的聖召。今天和未來，我仍會是不足的。但我一樣可以效發窮寡婦，從自己的不足中，回應天主的聖召。天主定會賜我恩寵，補我的不足以完成祂的計劃。朋友，若你未滿55歲的話，請認真考慮天主的聖召，不要像我一樣蹉跎歲月啊。
Responding to the Vocation of Permanent Diaconate
When I entered Choi Hung Estate Catholic Secondary School, a Diocesan English secondary school, I had to choose an English name for myself. I chose Alexander which means “helper/protector of mankind”. When I was baptized in Form 4, I retained it as my Christian name. How ambitious this lad had been when he was young! It was all because of the influence of his parents who were generous in extending a helping hand to the needy.During the years of secondary education, besides “Beneath the Lion Rock Hill,” my most favourite TV series was the “Polar Star”, starring Lau Chung Yan. This drama series had inspired me, a science student, to resolve to apply for admission to Social Science Faculty after matriculation. Actually, God had already arranged a “Polar Star” for me in real life. He was Fr. Enea Tapella, PIME (1929-1977). This respectable priest was our assistant parish priest. He mobilized a group of young people (Catholics were a minority) to visit the physically and mentally handicapped children in our Estate, to give them tuition free of charge, organize picnics, camping and Christmas parties etc. We were blessed to grow up in charity under the leadership of Fr. Tapella.Imagining that after serving the physically disabled children for a few years, I was equipped with enough charity to become a social worker. However, in those years, the Social Work Department in the university did not offer Year One courses. Those who were interested had to take Sociology and Psychology first. There were only three male undergrads in the Department. One switched to Business and another committed suicide! The study pressure was stunning beyond imagination. Consequently, I did not graduate from Social Work Department. However, a path would not be trodden in vain. I was only travelling down branches to view more sceneries.
One Sunday after graduation, I walked behind the people who were responsible for offering bread and wine, to offer my graduation gown. Fr. Peter Leung Tat Choy, then a young priest, received it before the altar. Freshly graduated, I already harboured the idea to serve God and the Church. However, priesthood was not my vocation. God had other assignments for me. I joined one parish choir, became its conductor and met Erminia Ho, the organist who wore her hair in two plaits. A sweet romance began and we got married … We moved to Tuen Mun after marriage and have stayed there ever since for more than three decades. We plant our roots in the Holy Redeemer Parish, serving the parish in choir, catechumen class and Social Justice Committee etc.
The early 1980’s saw the rise of personal computers. The Golden Computer Arcade in Sham Shui Po was the Mecca of PC enthusiasts. There, you rubbed shoulder with priests, such as Fr. Edward Khong Kin Cheung and Fr. Wilfred Chan Yau Hoi, S.J., who wanted to take advantage of Information Technology to improve parochial administration as well as evangelization I also joined the fanfare and offered interested priests courses to learn computer skills like DOS commands, WordStar, Dbase II and Chinese Input methods etc. The most respectable, senior ‘student’ was Fr. Gabriel Lajeune, MEP who was already in his fifties. Besides sharing this newly acquired computer skills, an indomitable me indulged in cracking locked computer software for all to use freely. This was a chivalrous hacker spirit, a variation of the leitmotif of ‘service’. Unfortunately, this ‘heroic’ adventure took its toll on my life: my wife nearly became a ‘computer widow’ and I was diagnosed with diabetes. I plunged into the abyss of depression. Because of these physical and psychological factors, I buried all my promotion ambitions in school. I quitted all the parish commitments except singing in the choir. I even did not attend the annual parish banquet.
My wife tendered her resignation from teaching to take care of this big naughty boy and two young kids, Hilary and Wulstan. With her understanding and support, I gradually emerged from the pit and regained my confidence. Saturnia was also born. Her birth signifies that God’s grace has never abandoned our family and I turned my computer skills to writing database programs for the Diocesan cemeteries, parishes and the diocese ...
It was 2000. The three children had grown up well. Though studying in a primary school, Saturnia, our youngest daughter, was very independent. Meanwhile, Deacon Karl Tsang was promoting the ministry of permanent deacons in the Holy Redeemer Parish. I felt that I had been relieved quite a bit of the parental burdens. Perhaps it was about time I attended Deacon’s talk to find out whether God had called me to serve him as a permanent deacon. Unprepared, my wife was pregnant again a fourth time. Though she was no ‘pregnant woman of advanced age’, we could not afford not to be careful. I thought to myself that God had called me to be a good husband and a good father but not a deacon. Symphorian (who is 16 years younger than his eldest brother Hilary) is a sign of my fatherly vocation. From then on, I killed the idea of serving God and the Church as a deacon.
The West Rail began running. I could attend the dream course I had been desiring to take --- the diploma program offered by the Hong Kong Catholic Biblical Institute.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
Actually God had His plan. He had sown all kinds of grace in my heart to make me His handy instrument. How do I come up with this conclusion? First of all, throughout my teaching career, there has never been a year in which I do not teach the Bible. In other words, I have been paid to study the Bible! My wife told me that with my health conditions, I should have been exhausted hurrying out to the urban area to study after teaching for a whole day in school and returning home, accompanied by the moon and stars. Instead, the more I studied, the more spirited I became. God has been too good to me.
Shung Tak celebrated her Golden Jubilee in November 2008. My colleague and I drove Fr. Dominic Chan Chi Ming, V.G. back to school to officiate at the ceremony. On the way, we chatted amiably and Fr. Chan was delighted to tell us the ministry of the permanent deacons within and without Hong Kong. When we were about to leave Ting Kau Bridge, Fr. Chan instructed us to take the Tai Lam Tunnel to proceed to Hung Shui Kiu. However, my colleague habitually turned to Tuen Mun Highway, unwitting fell into the snare of traffic congestion. Although we were late for the ceremony, I on my part had seen a revelation! Due to defects in my character and my stubbornness, I had taken too many wrong turns in my life and in my service of God and men. However, I still believe that there is a time for everything under heaven. The birth of Symphorian was not necessarily a negation of the deacon vocation. It could be part of the formation programme God provides. Similarly, my diabetes was not necessarily a renunciation of Information Technology, but an armament for Hospital ministry. And yet, health still made me hesitate.
After consulting with my wife and obtaining her encouragement, I took my first step in response to the deacon vocation. In May 2009, I applied and was accepted as an Aspirant. In September 2009, I enrolled in the Bachelor of Religious Sciences programme in the Holy Spirit Seminary College of Philosophy and Theology to receive theological trainings required of the deacon ministry. On December 29, 2012, I was admitted among Candidates of Permanent Deacons to begin the next stage of formation and practice. During the Election Rite, I was enlightened by the story of the poor widow (Mark 12:41-44). Jesus praised the poor widow because while all the others contributed out of their abundance, the poor widow out of her poverty had offered everything she had! So, I don’t need to wait until my health completely recovers and my character becomes completely perfect, or after my retirement so that I may have more spare time to answer God’s call. Today and all the days to come, I am and will still be insufficient. But like the poor widow, I can still answer God’s call out of my poverty. God will definitely give me enough grace to make up my poverty to accomplish the mission He plans for me.
Dear readers, if you are not yet 55, consider seriously God’s call. Don’t waste your time like me.
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