主題：學習祈禱
這兩天與慕道班前往長洲慈幼靜修院退省，跟堂區主任司鐸吳書成神父學習祈禱。作為一個已領洗超過四十五年的教徒，祈禱理應是家常便飯。況且，溫故知新也是一件好事。事實証明，今次的退省，作為導師之一的我，獲益良多。老實說，領了執事職已有十八個月，生活比退休之前更忙碌，甚至可以說是疲於奔命，很容易出現油盡燈枯的感覺，靈修上出現危機。雖然每月約見神師，跟進靈修的進度。很慚愧，彼此都很忙，間中也要失約。好性的我，始終認為祈禱不會難倒我…
我是個理性的人，知道自己在感性方面比較弱，所以徧向運用聖經來祈禱。不過多年來，都是停滯在理性的層次。可能年紀大了，感觸多了，感性上比從前發達了，漸漸可以進入較為感性的層次，在聖經祈禱中，開始能夠與主耶穌基督對談，傾訴自己的意見和感受，靜待祂的回應。主耶穌並沒有令我失望。例如，今天作為練習，默想復活雅依洛女兒的故事時（谷5:21-43），就出現了完全湛新的體會。
雅依洛的女兒死了，一家正在辦理喪事，請了人來家中哭喪（5:38），但雅依洛不能接受這個事實，跑去找耶穌醫治「快要死了」的女兒（5:23）。要知道這行為是違反法利塞人的「潛規則」的，因為耶穌素來與法利塞人為敵。耶穌當然知道一切，但慈悲的祂，並沒有即時拆穿他。另一方面，他的妻子發現丈夫跑了出外，便派僕人四出找他。找著了，想勸他回去：「你的女兒死了，你還來煩勞師傅做甚麼？」（5:35）面對事實真相，雅依洛感到非常痛苦和害怕。於是耶穌說：「不要怕，祗管信。」（5:36）有天主同在，不用害怕死亡。相信祂，天主自會照顧…
這樣的演繹，正好回應我當前的心境。探監的經驗，使我發覺到很多人是不能面對現實的，他們會編造一些令自己好過一點的故事來告訴我，說不定他們連自己也欺騙了。生活在謊言之中令人失去自由，阻礙了他們尋找對自己最有益的事物。所以耶穌說「真理必會使你們獲得自由。」（若8:32）我沒有耶穌的本領，看透他們的謊言。雖然身為天主的耶穌基督有能力點破他們的自我防禦機制，但他沒有這樣做。最後，耶穌基督不但復活了雅依洛的女兒，還讓他不再害怕死亡，不用倚靠編造謊言來生活。耶穌解放了雅依洛，復活了雅依洛！
編造謊言欺騙自己，令自己好過些的，大有人在，又豈祗雅依洛呢！猶大王阿哈次也是如此。明明大軍壓境，仍是希望以軍事或外交手段去應付而不投靠天主。明明是不信天主，卻好像很忠信地，拒絕試探天主（依7:12）依撒意亞就沒有耶穌基督的包容，直斥其非（7:13）。並許下「厄瑪奴耳」的諾言，永遠與人同在！天主是慈悲的，祂並沒有因人類的過犯而放棄他們，反而更加與他們同行。縱使人類自以為是，用自己的方法處理問題，天主仍不離不棄他們。
不要以為祗有壞人纔會自作聰明，欺騙自己。若瑟也是想用自己的方法，解決問題。瑪利亞是未過門的妻子，未婚懷孕是一件不能原諒的死罪，若瑟竟「有意暗暗地休退她」了事。雖然說若瑟是一個義人（瑪1:19），也未能完滿地解釋他這個非常不合情理的決定。他的心理狀態太複雜了，非三言兩語可以完滿地說明。無論如何，若瑟的經歷，一如我們的祈禱。
我們生活在自己編織的世界裡，用自己的理性處理問題。縱使我們認識天主，承認祂的存在，但要全心、全靈、全意地愛慕祂，談何容易。我們需要天主介入，需要天主幫忙。當困難己超出理性的能力，我們需要在祈禱中尋求天主的啟示。在祈禱中，我們解除理性的裝備，開放自己的心靈，讓天主向我們說話。
有如阿哈次一樣，若瑟有意用自己的方法去處理問題。一如阿哈次一樣，天主沒有等待阿哈次的同意，便賜下一個徵兆；同樣，天主沒有等待若瑟的同意，直接介人若瑟的夢境，啟示自己的旨意。我們沒有若瑟的福氣，但我們一樣可以在祈禱中，面對面與主交談，聆聽祂的啟示。相信我，天主是不會令你失望的。
天主保祐。
Advent Fourth Sunday (Year A)
Theme: Learn to pray
These two days, I went with the catechumens to Salesian Retreat House in Cheung Chau to attend a prayer workshop conducted by our parish priest, Rev. Fr. Joseph Ng. As a Catholic of more than 45 years, praying should be a piece of cake to me. After all, revision is always a good thing. It turns out that as one of the instructors, I learned a lot from this workshop. To be frank, it has been 18 months since ordination. Life is busier and more exhausted than before retirement. A crisis of burning out is brewing and is affecting my spiritual life. I am supposed to meet my spiritual director once a month. But both of us are very busy. Occasionally, we missed appointments. But I never give up easily. I don't think I cannot overcome obstacles in prayers.
I am a rational man. I know that I am weak in affection. Thus, I prefer praying with the Bible. However, all these years, I got stuck in the rational level. As I advance in age, my affection is more developed. Gradually, I can enter the affective level. I begin to be able to engage in a dialogue with our Lord Jesus Christ, telling him my ideas and feelings and wait patiently for his response. Lord Jesus never disappoints. For example, as an exercise, I meditated on the story of Jesus' raising Jairus' daughter (Mark 5:21-43). A whole new understanding emerged.
The daughter of Jairus had already died. The family was arranging funeral. People were hired to wail (5:38). But Jairus could not accept this fact. He ran to Jesus to beseech him to heal his daughter who "was at the point of death." (5:23) You should know that Jairus' action went against the hidden agenda of Pharisees because Jesus was their nemesis in the open. Of course Jesus knew everything. But he was merciful. He did not expose Jairus. Meanwhile, Jairus' wife found that her husband had run out. She sent servants to fetch him back. Finding Jairus, the servant said, "Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the Teacher any further?" (5:35) To face the reality was very painful and frightening for Jairus. Thus Jesus said, "Do not fear, only believer." (5:36) When God is with us, there is nothing to fear. Trust Him, God will provide.
Such an interpretation corresponds to my experiences these days. During my prison visits, I discover that many people cannot face the reality. They make up and tell me stories acceptable to them. Perhaps they believe in these stories themselves. Living in lies deprives people of freedom, hindering them from seeking the best things for themselves. Thus Jesus said, "And the truth will make you free." (John 8:32) I do not have Jesus' ability to see through their lies. Although as God, Jesus had the powerful to neutralize their defence mechanisms, he did not do so. In the end, not only did Jesus raise Jairus' daughter, but he also freed Jairus from the fear of death so that he no longer need to live on lies. Jesus liberated Jairus, raised Jairus from death!
Many people, not only Jairus, make up stories to cheat themselves, to make themselves feel better. Ahaz, king of Judah did the same. An alliance army was approaching. He wanted to deal with it with military or diplomatic means, not by relying on God. He did not believe in God and yet refused to put the Lord to the test like a righteous man (Isaiah 7:12). Isaiah was less tolerant than Jesus. He scolded Ahaz directly (7:13). God commits Himself by making a promise of Emmanuel. God is merciful. He does not give men up because of their failings but walked by them. Even though men are too clever to deal with their problems in their own ways, God does not abandon them.
Do not think that only bad people cheat themselves by being too smart. Joseph also tried to deal with his problem in his own ways. Maria had been betrothed to Joseph and before they came together, she was found to be pregnant. Being an unwed mother was a mortal sin but Joseph resolved to divorce her quietly. Although Joseph was said to be a just man (Matthew 1:19), it cannot explain this unreasonable decision in any satisfactory manner. His mind was too complicated and could not be satisfactorily explained away in a few lines. No matter what, the experience of Joseph was the same as our prayer.
We live in our man-made world. We make use of our rationality to solve problems. Although we know God, acknowledge His existence, it is not easy to love Him with all our heart, and with all our soul and with all our mind. We need the intervention of God and we need His assistance. When the problem is beyond the capacity of our rationality, we need to seek God's revelation in prayers. In prayer, we disarm our rationality, open up our hearts and minds. Let God speak to us.
Like Ahaz, Joseph resolved to deal with the problem in his own way. Like Ahaz, God did not wait for his consent to bestow a sign. Similarly, God did not wait for the consent of Joseph, intervene directly in Joseph's dream and revealed His will. We are not as lucky as Joseph, but we can still talk face to face with God in our prayers and listen to His revelation. Trust me, God will not disappoint you.
God bless.
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