I started buying books when I was an undergrad. Before that, I had secondary school textbooks to study and when I wanted to read anything of interest, I would go to the public libraries to look them up. Books did not occupy too much space in my life.
University education opens up a new pasture for me. The horizon keeps receding. There is so much that I do not know. The hunger for more knowledge is unquenchable. Even though I do not "need" a particular book at that moment, I purchase it, believing that I will be in need of it some days in the future.
I do not just buy new titles. When I taught in La Salle College in Kowloon City, I used to look up some classics from stores that sold used books. Many times, I congratulated myself for uncovering some gems. Though I was brought up a science student, I even purchased classics in literature, dreaming that I would read them after retirement. After so many years of buying, I lost count of the number of books I have purchased. Later, I found that some titles were duplicated or even triplicated!
One of the complaints my wife rails against me is the books. We need to buy bigger flats to house them and bigger flats we did buy. Still, there is just not enough space. My wife even resorts to hiring some rooms in a warehouse to put away books that I think I would not touch in the foreseeable future. Of course I would only gratefully comply ...
So, today when I heard the gospel reading,
and he thought to himself, `What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?' (Luke 12:17)
I knew who the Fool is! I knew I would never be able to flip the pages of a large number of books in my possession. The day I purchased them would be the first and the last day I touched them. I have been a shopaholic of books. Worse still,
But God said to him, `Fool! This night your soul is required of you; and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?' (Luke 12:20)
Not even my children can inherit my books. They are not interested in my collection.
It is not the money I have wasted that makes me regret or feel guilty about. Rather, it is the space from which God is driven out that makes me the Fool. There is little room left for my God. Though there are many titles in my theology and Bible collections, philosophy and ethics collections, few of them bring me closer to my God. Intellectually I may be more enlightened. However, my heart is still lukewarm. I have a big head but a small heart.
During the Deacons Retreat at the end of July, there was one thing I could not do satisfactorily. Fr. Dominic Chan, V.G., helped us go through the four Vatican II constitutions. These four documents did not pose any difficulty for me. After all, I came across them often in these four years in the theology program I am about to finish. Real difficulty came when I was told to share my feelings about the Holy Communion in a group discussion. In the evenings, we prayed the Vespers and adored the Holy Communion for one hour. No doubt there were feelings but I have difficulty in articulating them. I think I am too encephalic.
I shared my problem with Fr. Milanese and Deacon Joseph Sung. They consoled me that I should not be bothered by this because each of us is gifted differently to serve God in different capacities. The inability to articulate my feelings is not a handicap. Fr. Milanese further suggested that praying with the Bible is an excellent spirituality. For example, the Lectio Divina of the Benedictine spirituality is definitely very fruitful. I thanked them for their kindness. But at the end of the day, it is me who give or refuse to give enough room for my God.
My sweet Lord, I know that You will never leave me unattended. I offer up my heart to You. Make it do Your will. Amen.
p.s. I dedicate this page to my former boss who passed away peacefully in the small hours of August 3 in a public hospital in Hong Kong. The first seasonal greetings (Easter, Christmas and New Years) always came from him since I left La Salle. At first, both students and teachers resented his disciplinary style of leadership heading a prestigious elite boy school in Hong Kong. Gradually, we began to appreciate his efforts. After his retirement, he was a totally different person, amiable and considerate. During his time at the helm of La Salle College as a Malaysian Chinese, he did not have the opportunity to shine off his compassion. He remains, fondly remembered, my dear Bro. Alphonsus Chee, FSC.
Requiem æternam dona ei, Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat ei.
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