I am attending an intensive spirituality formation course. The spiritual directors, Fr. Benedict Lam, Fr. Francis Tam and Ms. Jennie Chan designed a combination of Franciscan and Ignatian 9-week programme for the permanent deacons and candidates.
At the very beginning, I was ambitious and confident. I knew that my spirituality was still shallow but I was confident because there had never been any task I was unable to accomplish --- cracking computer software locks, learning different languages, composing webpages, music, mathematics, puzzles, chess, bible and theology etc. You name it. I am a universalist and am patient as an ant. Give me enough time and I am sure I would accomplish. However, after going through three quarters of the spirituality programme, I found myself far far behind the schedule. There are more and more prayers that I miss during each week, from zero at the beginning to five during the last week.
During the last meeting, I shared my overconfidence in the group. Fr. Benedict said crisply that I didn't have to prove my ability. It only demonstrated my lack of confidence/faith! Embarrassed by the revelation, I shyly replied that from the very early stage of dating, I already knew that my faith was not as strong as my wife's. I did not know why I answered in this way to hide my nakedness.
I don't want to excuse my failure to stick to the schedule. An idea gradually emerges but that could only be an excuse. I feel that perhaps each person has his own characteristic style of prayer. What this programme provides is perhaps an initiation to equip us with the necessary mentality to proceed along our path in spirituality. In this week, we are supposed to meditate on the Hidden Life of the Lord. This is part of the "call to growth" in the growing intimacy in discipleship. But this week, one particular story kept emerging, the healing of Bartimæus (Mark 10:46-52). Perhaps it is because last week (we meet on Monday), I needed to prepare my Sunday homily and Isaiah 55:6b acted as a catalyst. I strongly felt identified with Bartimæus because I could not "see" Jesus in my prayer. I could feel that Jesus was passing by and if I missed this chance, I would remain blind spiritually forever! There was an urgency in the feelings. So, instead of following the set gospel stories of Annunciation, Visitation and Nativity etc. I prayed over the story of Bartimæus instead.
It dawned to me that Bartimæus had been blind for quite some time. Therefore, I should be patient with my blindness. It might not be the right time for me to see again. Be patient.
Then, in my blindness, sexual images began to emerge but I was not embarrassed. I began to understand why I had been so rational and cerebral. Perhaps I tried to suppress these sexual fantasies. Now that I am ageing, I am no longer afraid of my sexual urges. I do not feel ashamed of them. The urge to see fades into the background. A feeling of Jesus' presence is enough to console me. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment