I prefer staying cerebral because it is safe. Being rational is safe and comfortable. When you are able to crack a lock, solve a puzzle and even if you lose in a game of chess, it is safe and predictable. Yet it is only scuba diving. Deep down below the coral reef, there is a dark world of wonders where our sight cannot lend us anymore support. So is spirituality. I have to admit that I have not been brave enough to dive deeper in my prayers. Though my brain tells me that Jesus is waiting behind the darkness, I do not have the guts to penetrate it. The 11-week Spirituality Formation Programme for the Deacons is a challenge which I have to tender my unconditional surrender. I am defeated. Though my pride is wounded, I understand myself a little more than before.
I attended an interview with the Diaconate Commission. I was among the 4 candidates elected to be ordained this June. The Commission is sending us to a 7-day discernment retreat, a sort of final preparation before ordination. At the start of the interview, the Chairman lay bare my Archille's heel --- my arrogance and how I dealt with others' criticisms. Simon, another member gave me an adjective, "abrasive". Louise humbled me with a theological question which I don't have the slightest memory of having learned it in the Seminary: how did St. Thomas Aquinas explain the Blessed Trinity in analogy? (The interview took place on the Feast Day of St. Aquinas.) Jennie, one of the Spiritual Formation team members, asked gently but piercingly into my soft spot --- when my buddy was not included among the 4 finalists, he was deeply upset. How did I help him through spiritually? Bernard, the baby sitter of the deacons, told me point blank that I offended too many people ... Deacon Edwin remained silent. His silence spoke volumes. In the end, I gave myself the final fatal stab. I told the Board that there were two good things before me which I had difficulty in making my choice --- ordination in June and finishing my DSE teaching in the next academic year in the capacity of a part time teacher. Though the school should have known this two years ago when they assigned me to teach a 3-year examination course, I do not owe my students any obligations. Rationally speaking yes, but the emotional bond we built up in the last two years is difficult to sever.
After the interview, it dawns to me that I was not referring to my students. It was my buddy. His present situation makes it difficult for him to be ordained in the near future. We have already lost one buddy who failed to be elected a candidate. I cannot afford to lose another buddy. I strongly desire to support him as much as I can, even delaying my own ordination. At the interview, I was not able to articulate it. In short, I was beside myself during the interview in which I was put in a defensive position, not just cerebrally, but also emotionally. Should I blame my repressions or what not?
It is deemed unscientific to believe in the existence of evil spirits nowadays. People choose to deal with such phenomena with more acceptable languages such as the subconscious and the repressed impulses etc. Such a language puts everybody at risk. Nobody is immune to the influence of "evil spirits" anymore. It makes sense in the gospel reading today.
"... there was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit." (Mark 1:23)
How could the Jews allow a possessed person to enter their synagogue? Did he burst in just like some scenes in a movie? Very unlikely. He was most likely either to be locked up by the town folks or he roamed about in the wilderness outside the town. Therefore, the possession must have been a hidden case, very much like our subconscious or repressed libido.
People like to ask why God allows evil and sufferings to exist. Recently, Pope Francis was confronted with a similar question in the Philippines. He did not try to answer it rationally. He transcended it by appealing all of us to mourn in view of sins and sufferings (Matthew 5:4).
To me, the answer is that their existence within us bends our arrogance and abrasiveness. The unclean spirits, our subconsciousness and libido know better than our rationality that Jesus is God, a loving God. My fears of uncertainty and desires are perhaps a better and stronger guide than my braininess in reaching to Jesus.
Dear Lord, I have been evading my fears but I know that when I reach you in my prayers, you will cleanse me of my evil spirits and satisify my desires. Amen.
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