I arrived on time. She was still seeing a client. I took a look around the office. It was not quite fully decorated. There were 2 rolled up colour backdrops on the left hand side of her interview room, like what you find in a studio. There was no partition, just a translucent curtain. A bookshelf stood on the right hand side of the interview room, lining with books which can be borrowed. The lady receptionist turns out to be a substitute because the secretary was off today. She read her book while I sat on the sofa, waiting and looking casually around the room.
Ms. M is a pleasant lady of thirty something. She is a bit slim and her dress flows along with her movements. She made me feel comfortable in the otherwise cool waiting region. We entered the interview room and sat opposite each other. She jotted notes here and there during the interview. To begin with, she explained that it is a new arrangement for the formation of the permanent deacons. At the end of the interview when I filled in my personal particulars, I found my reference number to be VG006. I am Number Six (not Number Four, nor 007!).
I felt comfortable perhaps my psychology training three decades ago assures me that she is trying to help me explore and know myself better. Truly, meeting new people can be enriching. Perhaps at the back of my mind, beneath my subconscious, I am confident that I would recognize the psychological tricks up her sleeves. (Sorry, her dress is sleeveless!). OK, let's go to the main course.
After some warm-up exchanges of my background, she turned to my worries in the course of my exploration of my diaconate vocation. There are mainly two: my hesitation to approach authority/power and my health. I mentioned the health problem second because I think I have overcome it. It is true that I have been troubled by my diabetes. I suffered depression. It is sipping away my strength. My mood fluctuates with my blood sugar level ... etc. and etc. For some time, I was not confident if I would be able to serve the Church in the capacity of a deacon. However, I have read signs, showing that God has been very merciful to me and been restoring my health. The births of Saturnia and Symphorian confirm my optimism. Rationally, I begin to take up the view that God will protect me, keep me healthy enough to carry out His mission. I learn to put myself in God's hand. On my own, I am truly incapable. No health insurance would ever cover diabetics. However, how can I forget to set my eyes on God whose loving mercy will cover me?
Let me return to the first worry: the abuse of authority. I am a simple (minded) man, leading a simple life. I am not used to using authority though in my daily life, I am able to command a rather absolute authority over the people around me: my family, my students and even the parishioners. In many situations, family and school alike, relationships are rather power-oriented. Even in parish life, my seniority and biblical knowledge give me leaverage over most of the power relationships.
In reality, I have seen too much abuse of authority, the major cause for my leaving La Salle; and I lament having little feedback from people to point out my mistakes. My major worry is that one day, I may abuse my authority and harm the people and the Church I mean to serve. I don't want to bring scandals to the Church I love. As for now, very few people come forth to point out my weaknesses and my mistakes. What about the future when I am further cladded with the authority of a clergyman?
Who have ever told me my mistakes? Erminia, my wife for one. She is able to remind me of things I have overlooked, have overdone or failed to do. Sometimes, she would complain. However, this is limited to the interactions between a man and his wife. What then can prevent me from abusing authority to bring scandals to the Church?
Dear Lord, I am badly in need of a retreat, a luxurious 7-day retreat or even longer. May these appointments with Ms. M shed light on my vocation. Bless this pleasant lady. May her work as well as her family flourish. Amen.
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