I have been consumed by narcissism

We should be serving Christ in the needy, in the least of his brethren (Matthew 25:40). Yet, I have forgotten Erminia who is sharing my bed with me. God be my witness, had it been another woman in bed with me, I would not have been able to respond God’s call to permanent diaconate today. From the very first day we dated, I immediately could recognize that she is a gift God sent to help me along my path to sainthood. I was torn between the call to priesthood and marriage. Of course, my upbringing made me not suitable to serve God and his people as a priest. However, I secretly pledged to God. “Allow me to love and I will be able to love you better in the future.” God is patient and kind. He gives me room to mature.

But after getting my first computer, I indulged too much in cracking computer programs and literally made Erminia a “computer widow”. She told me point-blank tonight, “Your DM has saved you.” Truly, my DM helps me reconcile with my mother who would not forgive me for deserting her, getting married and moved to Tuen Mun. My DM made Erminia tolerate my narcissism. But my narcissism does not do me good. I withdrew more and more into my comfort zone, developed depression and licked my wounds sustained after departing from La Salle.
Meanwhile, Erminia had to take care of the children, both as a mother and a father. Though she has complained that I have not spent enough quality time with the children, I did not take appropriate actions. Though not very successful, she had to dress up as much as she could, the wounds the boys sustained while being brought up by the grandmothers. Up till today, she feels very guilty about it, in particular, for Hilary our first born who seems to be the most hard-hit, feeling deserted by us. He has developed a withdrawn and evading character, not confident enough to face challenges and frustrations squarely. Of course I share a lion share of the blame but it is Erminia who bears all the guilt alone.

When I am sick, she takes care of me. But when she is sick, I am not even aware of her health state! I have been consumed by narcissism and am slow in picking up her distress signals. Our communication breaks down. In conclusion, I see that I love myself more than anything else. Though I have responded to the call of permanent diaconate, I wonder if I am really honouring my pledge to God more than three decades ago. God, have mercy on me. I am a sinner.

Dear Lord, Erminia is patient and kind. She still hopes that I can return one day. Yes, I do. I hope it is not too late. My God, I owe her so much. I have not taken up a fair enough share of her burden. Forgive me. Help my children. Amen.