Retreat for Married Couples

Erminia and I stayed away from our routines to attend a retreat for married couples. Both of us are badly in need of a retreat to align our spirits to God. This is a most welcomed opportunity. It is organized by the Permanent Deaconate.  Permanent deacons are supposed to be more experienced in married life and thus more natural and suitable to handle the spiritual formation for married couples. Indeed, the spiritual directors are Fr. Benedict Lam who sits in the Diocesan Commission for the Permanent Diaconate, and the freshly ordained Deacon Bosco Wong. Mrs Cecilia Ng, wife of Deacon Edwin Ng, also ran one of the programmes in the retreat. More than 15 couples coming from different parishes attended this retreat. Most of them knew of this retreat from Kung Kao Pao, the Chinese weekly magazine.

To begin with, we introduced ourselves, with a particular emphasis on our mood at that moment. Most were expectant, happy, sweet and confident. Some, like us, were exhausted because we did not know the location of the Diocesan Retreat House in Chung Hum Kok well enough and had strayed for nearly an hour to find the building which was dedicated by the late Bishop Bianchi in 1965.
In fact, Erminia and I were exhausted for one more reason. My father was hospitalized for pneumonia. It was too heavy a burden for my brother to take care of both my father and my mother. I will not be able to do much once school begins. Therefore, Erminia and I decided to visit my father daily. Our visits do not lighten any of my brother's burdens. They are only gestures to support him emotionally. Erminia and my mother have a different chemistry. My brother and I cannot help clashing with mum over the issue of alcoholism. But Erminia is able to inject more positive elements in between.

We were told to focus on our mood for a reason. This was the first step of the "Examination of Consciousness", an Ignatian Spiritual Exercise, which Fr. Benedict Lam is very fond of teaching us. He explained to us the steps and gave us Biblical passages for individual reflection. After individual reflection, each couple came together to share with their spouse. He had established with us the basic routine of married couples spirituality. Many people can pray and meditate fruitfully as an individual. Many people can share within a group of Basic Christian Community. However, sharing something spiritual with somebody so intimately related is a totally new experience and needs practice. In our sharing, I was still cerebral. But at least, I know more that I am weak in articulating my moods and emotions.

His second talk after dinner threw a new perspective on the rosy picture we used to entertain about the Holy Family. In fact, most of the narratives about the Holy Family we found in the two Synoptic Gospels are not at all fairy tales. There are quite a lot of darker realities. Life in each family is difficult in its unique way. No two families confront the same difficulties. It is how each family, guided by God, overcomes its difficulties that we should learn. Joseph and Mary stood together to rear up Jesus. The burden of providing a good spiritual milieu for the children is laid on the parents. Husbands and wives have to build up a solid spiritual bond to provide for the spiritual formation of their children. In our sharing of the darker side of our family life, I expressed my worries about my second son, Wulstan. It seemed to me that he had not yet recovered from the trauma of pyramid selling in his year 2. At the moment, he has not secured for himself a "proper" employment. Erminia had a different view. She takes note of the artistic temperament of this son and reassures me that Wulstan has his own targets. Rather, she is more worried about the study and prayer habits of Symphorian, our youngest son.

The next morning, couples prayed together before they started their morning walk together outside the Retreat House for an hour. Erminia and I could explore more around the region and had a good sharing on the present situation of our family. After breakfast, Mrs. Cecilia Ng instructed us to meditate on the story of the Cana banquet. We were following the procedures of the Ignatian Spiritual Exercise, but putting ourselves into one of the roles in the story. There was one extra step. At the end of sharing between the couples, they should pray for each other. In our sharing, I know that I always play safe and allow God little room for any surprises.
The reporting back at the plenary session was candid, colourful and enthusiastic. There were laughters and tears as well. Mrs. Ng had to cut the sharing short. Then Deacon Wong gave us a talk on the relationship between the sacrament of Matrimony with the six other sacraments. For sacraments which we receive only once, viz. Baptism, Confirmation, Matrimony and Holy Order, they are life-long sacraments in the sense that we live the sacrament with our whole life. The sacraments unfold their effectiveness throughout our whole life. In his talk, I am much interested in the idea of Anointment as a healing sacrament. Deacon Wong explained that a lot of happy and unhappy events took place within our married life. These events would purify us and illuminate us. As an assignment, each one of us wrote down an incident, how it purified/illuminated our life and then composed a prayer for our spouse, to be read to each other the evening after retreat.
I have an extra benefit. His talk inspires me to make up my mind to write a thesis to explore the healing role more. Domestic violence is rampant and family is where it hurts most. What role can the sacrament of Anointment play in married life? It would be an interesting topic.
Our last assignment after lunch was to write a letter to our spouse. We would send them to Deacon Ng who would keep it for one month before sending them out the intended recipients. The organizers of the retreat plan to keep the momentum of married couples spirituality even after the retreat.

The retreat came to a close with the celebration of the Sunday Mass. Fr. Benedict Lam gave a shattering but relevant reading of the gospel to all the couples.
Then you will begin to say, 'We ate and drank in your presence, and you taught in our streets.' 
But he will say, 'I tell you, I do not know where you come from; depart from me, all you workers of iniquity!' (Luke 13:26-27)
Imagine spending several decades with your spouse. But in the end, when you meet again somewhere before entering heaven, your spouse says, "I do not know you." even though you say, "We ate and drank together in our previous life." How miserable! Our lives must not only be physically, emotionally linked. We must grow and be sanctified together in our spirits.

Dear Lord, I pray for Erminia and my children. May they enjoy a happy and spiritually fruitful life. Amen.