Futile efforts

I attended one funeral service and two requiem masses last week and my mood was not uplifted. Don't take me wrong. I was not depressed by the deaths, but by something else.

I joined the first funeral service because I wanted to lend a helping hand in an English speaking service, perhaps the first ever English speaking service conducted within our parish. It was a Portuguese family. The mother died of cancer at the age of sixty something, I think. She was already a grandmother. Before the liturgy began, the family had prepared a video made up of the photos of the family, with Unchained Melody as the background music. Then the eldest son delivered a very moving eulogy. With great effort, I held back my tears. In the end, they played another video with Time to Say Goodbye in the background. When we departed after the service, the younger son asked me if I was the Mr. Kwok who had taught in La Salle. Some of the guests were old students and they recognized me. I felt glad and honoured to be able to attend this funeral service, though I did not sing as I had expected to in this service. I was not depressed.

The next evening, I went to St. James Church in Yau Tong to attend a requiem mass for the mother of one of my classmates in the theology program. I had checked the map online and had a rough idea of how to locate the Church. When I actually went there, I missed the place because my view was blocked by some trees and the name of the street, Sze Shan Street, suddenly looked so unfamiliar to me. I was literally one step too short and turned around to explore another route, which took me a full circle to go back to the point where I had turned around! Somewhere along the route, I already knew I had taken a wrong turn. But then why didn't I ask the way?  I had already gone too far to turn back. I had to finish the full circuit along the outskirt to come out of the Yau Tong Industrial City. Part of the route was dark and lonely. I felt like walking along the valley of death. More than that, I had a familiar feeling of déjà vu. My whole life seems to have spent in futile efforts to reach goals which I do not intend! What do I mean? Let me illustrate. Two years ago, I insisted on using English to teach NSS E&RS so that the school had to hire another teacher to teach the subject in Chinese. At that time, I thought that the best way to contribute to Shung Tak in my last few years was to combine my strengths in English and E&RS. If the school authority rejected my offer, I would divert my energy for the pursuit of deaconate. Unfortunately, my boss was not able to retain people to serve the school. In the end, I will have to teach all three levels of NSS E&RS in Chinese! I am back to square one. It seems that the school and I had made no progress in these two years. I am upset and it was all the more depressing when the priest did not seem to have prepared enough for the requiem mass.
The next evening, the parish held a requiem mass for the faithful who departed in April to June. There was not much I could recall. I was not sad or upset in particular.  Perhaps I was tired, tired of going to funeral services three nights in a row. On Friday, I did not attend the Sacred Heart Solemnity. Instead, I played table-tennis with Symphorian after dinner. In fact, I should have gone to pray for Simon and his son because his AL results were not satisfactory. John and I knew that it must have been a devastating blow on Simon. All his hope for these seven years was smashed and all his efforts in sending his son to an elite school had proved to be futile. How would Simon face our boss and other colleagues on the coming Monday?

It is Sunday and we listened to the Gospel which rang exceptionally true to me.
At that time Jesus declared, "I thank thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to babes." (Matthew 11:25)
Each one of us has something babe within. However, most of the time, we ignore it and despise it. I think we have TA (Transactional Analysis) to blame.TA was developed and popularized by Eric Berne in the late 1950s. One of his books is called Games People Play, which outlines an ego-state (Parent-Adult-Child) model to describe the feelings, thoughts and behaviours a person displays in interactions with others. It is an unfortunate choice to deposit most of the childhood experiences and behaviours under the label "Child", which can easily confuse with the natural naivety and trust advocated in the Gospel. Many times, we want to take people and things under our control because we are in need of a sense of security. Such needs are legitimate and not dysfunctional in themselves. It is bad only when our actions become disproportional to the situation. In the last analysis, it is bad when we act as if we were the master of the situation, ignoring God's will.

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)
How consoling it is to hear these words from Jesus. He has pointed us the way: learn from him for he is gentle and lowly in heart.
Learn for we know that we will never become Jesus. We can only look like Jesus approximately. He is the target we should approach but will never reach. After all, we shouldn't be over-ambitious.
Be Gentle.  Time and again, we are very demanding towards ourselves and others. The perfectionist me will surely drive ourselves and other nuts.
Be humble. We have witnessed how the mighty fall, from true heroes and pretended heroes. In the end, God takes all.

Dear Lord, help me learn to rest, relax and insist no more. Amen.