God frustrates my plans

In my head, I know that God's will be done. The Lord's Prayer says so and I recite this prayer everyday. I know that in whatever I do, I should seek the will of God and work towards the glory of God. However, God is very merciful. He allows me a large latitude to maneuver so that I am free to experiment whatever I fancy to do. But in the end, His will is done. In the mini-retreat for the Deacon Aspirants, this theme imprints deeply into my heart. Fr. Dominic Chan, the Vice-General and the Director of Formation, conducted the mini-retreat. Three new aspirants joined in. The group size was perfect for in-depth sharing.

Fr. Chan followed the three sub-themes of the Year of Laity to do meditation with us. They are: vocation, communion and mission. The mini-retreat began with a reading from the gospel of Mark. It was about Jesus' choosing the 12 Apostles.
And he appointed twelve, to be with him, and to be sent out to preach
and have authority to cast out demons (Mark 3: 4-15)
We are all called to stay with Jesus. Before we cast out demons and before we preach the Gospel, we need to stay with Jesus, to establish a deep relation with him and to learn from him before we can take any meaningful actions. So, Fr. Chan began with candid sharing of his own experience and invited us to do the same, paying particular attention to when Jesus was born within our lives.
The sharing among us are candid. We will be comrades in the near future. This is a group we trust and we will honour the rule of confidentiality. It is not surprising that we were able to take out our most highly guarded secrets to share with these brothers in Christ. During the sharing, there was no lack of shedding of tears. We praised God for His wonders and mercy.

Though I was baptized in S4, I did not know how close I was with Jesus until one day he struck me hard and denied me the Holy Communion for about two full years because the priest refused to absolve my sin in confession. I did not know how much I needed Jesus until I lost him! Only then did I realize how close he is with me! Looking back into my life-story, I learn from mistakes I made. I learn in a rather negative way!
I always want to take matters into my hand and do things my way. Perhaps I want to prove that I am capable, I am smart. However, God outsmarts me and teaches me patiently that I need to learn from His humility. I overworked myself to crack computer program protections in the eighties and the code-chasing frenzy took toll on me. Consequently I damaged my pancreas. It is a heavy price to pay but it is also a blessing in disguise. I reconciled with my mother over my moving out after marriage. After all, no matter how much I have made my mother angry, she always forgives.

After a short break, we entered the sharing of the second theme: communion. We are called by Jesus to become ambassadors of reconciliation. Our mission is not simply to do charity works but also help edify the community. During this part of the sharing, I realized that I was always the last one to know what conflicts or disputes had taken place in the parish or my school. Perhaps nobody wants to bother me because of my position or personality. Perhaps I have not been sensitive enough to smell such conflicts which are rather normal in any community.  Recently, I had the chance to witness the whole process of a minor dispute in the parish, how a perfectionist parishioner commented on the performance of a lector face to face after mass and offered her 'advice' to the lector; and how the lector sought support from the priest. Everybody was not happy.
Fr. Chan commented that one might wonder why God allows such conflicts to exist in a community of love. He said that the individuals as well as the community need to grow, to mature and to be sanctified. Such occasions of disputes are opportunities for the individuals as well as the community to learn. We should not evade them but embrace and learn from them.

We came to the third session on mission. All of us have a sense of mission. However, all of us shared the same pattern --- that we have misplaced our mission. We think that some targets were our missions. In fact they are. They are ours, not God's! Truly, we need to learn from the humility of Jesus. We must always ask --- Father, is it your will?
I insisted on using English to teach E&RS. I want to offer my best service for the school in my remaining  years. Moreover, these Band One students deserve to learn in English. There should be flexibility in the Diocesan mother-tongue policies. Since the school administration, including the Supervisor, insisted on following the Diocesan policy, I declined to teach NSS E&RS. However, after two years, the teaching load lands on my lap because the panel head we hire resigns. Our out-going boss is not able to retain capable people to serve the school. In the end, I will teach NSS E&RS in Chinese in the next academic year. God frustrates my plans! In the end, perhaps it was out of arrogance and the satisfaction of my ego that I insisted on using English. Now, I have to rethink my mission, to adjust it along God's line.

Dear Father in Heaven, Your will be done. Not mine. Amen.