We intended to explore my relationship with Erminia. However, I steered the discussion away without much effort. Perhaps it would be too emotional, and Ms. M knew that it would be too painful for me to come out from my comfort zone. I quickly came to the topic of seeking father figures in my life.
My father had to work for about 12 hours a day in the shop. He did not have time to talk with me. Therefore, I have been seeking father figures to fill up the void throughout my subsequent life. I paid respect to teachers, especially male teachers. As a result, the late Mr. Chow Ti, the biology panel of Choi Hung was my godfather of Baptism and Mr. Joseph Lau, only 7 years my senior and my S2 class teacher, was my godfather of Confirmation in the year 1970. I follow another characteristic of my father --- long term acquaintance. I kept in contact with Mr. Chow until he passed away and up till today, Mr. Joseph Lau and I are more like friends than godfather and godson. Our age difference becomes insignificant as we advance in the years.
I looked up to my senior colleagues in La Salle. I mentioned two in particular: YK and CYH. YK had been my intellectual mentor, except for the Bible. It was he who introduced me to computer programming and it was cracking locked software that brought about my diabetics which, combined with the upbringing from my domineering mother, prevented me from taking up senior posts. It was also he whose abuse of authority had so disgusted me that I quit La Salle. All things are related indeed. But I hold no grudge against YK. Perhaps he had a very noble intention to streamline the teaching qualities of the La Salle teachers who had previously been notoriously idiosyncratic. So, recently when we met in the 30th anniversary of graduation of the 1981 Class, we shook hands and asked after each other's station of life. He had retired.
When it came to CYH, I highlighted his support for me ever since the eruption of my diabetics. I showed Ms. M the Waterman fountain pen CYH introduced me to use. I explained how CYH made up opportunities for me to "help" him fix his software problems etc. Of course, how could I miss out his romance with Ms. Chui, how they dated each other for decades and got married only after their retirement and migration to Canada. I remained in my comfort zone when I talked about the others. Ms. M did not smoke me out of my lair.
Ms. M asked me to describe my relationship with Erminia. I summarily stated categorically that at the moment, it has never been better. In the early years of marriage, I had taken things for granted and concentrated on cracking locked computer programmes. Poor Erminia was literally a computer widow. Most of the time, she only saw my back. To a certain extent, my diabetics brings us closer emotionally. I pay more attention to her health, her exhaustion in taking care of two little boys and a big one. Me! Now that the children have grown up, except for Symphorian, we can share more time together.
Ms. M then turned the subject to temptation. Has there ever been time I am attracted to other females? Are there females who project their love to me because I have always been tender and helpful? Frankly speaking, some ladies did shed their tears when I announced that I was getting married and I was leaving La Salle. But the world continues to move on with or without me.
I paused to search my memory for an appropriate answer to the question Ms. M put forth. Then I came up with a new discovery. My diabetics is truly a blessing in disguise. It prevents me from being unfaithful to Erminia. I just cannot afford extra marital affairs physically as well as financially. If I were not sick, I really could not tell whether I would fall into the temptation. God has protected me with diabetics. It brings reconciliation between my mother and me. It shields me from the intrusion of other females.
In the end, Ms. M gave me some feedback. From her observations, she does not find me to be as rational as I claim. She can see the restrained emotional side of me. It is there. Only that I do not allow myself to be overwhelmed by it. My upbringing makes me diffident. Therefore, I only allow myself to do things which I surely will not fail. I am not brave enough to come out of my comfort zone. That doesn't help to boost my confidence. At the moment, new opportunities and relations are opening up to me. She encourages me to try them out so that I can become more confident and be a better servant of God. She wishes me a fruitful career as a deacon. I thanked her, shook hands and left her office.
Dear Lord, I have faith, but not enough. Help me believe more. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment