Today, we explored together my personality development and my relation with my mother. There were brief emotional moments when I needed to hold back my tears. I cannot afford to allow my emotions to fluctuate freely. Otherwise, my blood sugar level will follow suit.
Still, the eruption of diabetics is the watershed. I was cheerful, capable and confident. As a result of diabetes, I am no longer energetic physically and I have become more withdrawn. Perhaps I need to save my energy to handle the daily chores in school.
As for my personality development, there is no doubt that my father has set me a role model. He is the first born and so am I. I always give credit of my religious piety to him because in my memory, I saw him offer incense sticks every morning before he went to work. He has served only two bosses as a shopkeeper in stamp-collecting shops and I two schools. He kept visiting his former boss' wife after he quit. He keeps lasting acquaintances and I try to follow suit. My father had to work long hours and for many years, I did not have the opportunity to talk with him. There had been time I looked up to other father figures, such as my teachers, my colleagues in La Salle to fill up the void. Up to now, there are fewer and fewer candidates and I myself have become a father figure to many.
I was instructed by my late principal, Mr. Joseph Liu, since S2 and was baptized at the Feast of Annunciation in S4. Ms. Mak helped me traced back how I was led to the belief in Jesus. I would credit this to an S4 big brother, Tse Kam Hon, whom I met when I first entered Choi Hung Estate Catholic Secondary School, my alma mater in which I spent seven years. He was a legionary and an enthusiastic Catholic. He was considerate, a son of filial piety and guided me in school life under his wing. In my mind, he was beatified by his early death of cancer.
On my own, I was nothing. I was lucky to have met him and Fr. Tapella and Lazarus, both PIME assistant parish priests in Choi Hung. Their dedication in youth work and handicapped children service has inspired a charitable heart in me and a group of enthusiastic and generous young men and women. Those were our heroic days and if I can choose my area of service in the future, I will choose rehabilitation work with the handicapped, if God wills.
My mother is still a domineering woman. She keeps calling me daily and my mobile rang while I was having interview with Ms. M! To a certain extent, I blame her for my lack of ambition. She holds me tightly so much so that I cannot fully actualize my potentials. She bought a flat in Amoy Garden, where SARS erupted a decade later, and wanted me to live near her after my marriage. Though I moved to Tuen Mun against her will after marriage, she still demanded me to stay overnight in Choi Hung with Erminia in weekdays. Reconciliation came at last with my becoming a diabetic. At last, she had to accept the reality that no matter how much she wishes to possess and protect me, she could not suffer the disease for me. My disease, my life is mine to live with. She has to, however reluctantly, surrender me over to another woman. Somehow, this life long disease is a blessing in disguise.
I feel that I owe my younger brother much. He remains single to take care of our aging parents, sparing me to build up my own family. He graduated from Aberdeen Technical School and was on friendly terms with the Salesians, though he had never met Cardinal Joseph Zen. However, when I was baptized, my mother refused to let him be baptized together with me because she wanted him to offer incense sticks to her after she returned to the Western Ultimate Happiness World. Mom, as a Catholic, I can also offer you incense sticks in the future! Consequently, my younger brother was deprived of the opportunity of meeting good Catholic girls. Perhaps, the unnecessary difficulties she created in my early years of marriage might also affect my younger brother's confidence in marriage. I am heaping all the blames on my mother for the single life of my younger brother! But this accusation is a bit far fetched.
I owe Erminia, my wife, a lot. From the start, she has been a gift sent from God. I did not have enough faith in people as well as things that I did. It is Erminia that boost my confidence. There was a depression period in the first years of diabetics. Though rationally, I told myself that diabetics was no more than shortsightedness. Adjust the drug like the lens and I would be OK. Unfortunately, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts of the diabetics complications --- kidneys failures, blindness and amputation of legs etc. I decided to prepare Erminia for widowhood! Emotionally, I tried to detach myself from her. How stupid and unfair I was! Still, Erminia stands by me and patiently raised the kids. With the birth of Saturnia, I could feel that my strength had finally returned. Thanks my love, for pulling me out of the tomb I buried myself.
Ms. M points out to me that I have been hiding behind my comfort zone for a long time. I was not adventurous enough to try new things out. Now that I am able to stand again on my feet, I am prepared to engage in new relations, to make new friends and try my hands on new projects to gain more experiences. With unexplored potentials and the blessings of God, I am sure I will be able to excel in new things that I am going to do.
Dear Lord, Be with me. Whatever I do, make it prosper. Amen.
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