God is greater than our hearts

Fifth Easter Sunday, Year B

My heart is not peaceful at all at this moment. The closer the ordination, the more unworthy I feel. The situation has worsened since the 7-day retreat in Taiwan. Wounds have been uncovered and yet they have not been properly treated. Don't misunderstand me, I am not putting the blame on anybody, which I found to be my MO, in particular the Spiritual Director, Fr. Francis Tam, who has been most helpful. After all, a retreat is a retreat, not a counselling or psychotherapy session. It is spiritual and not psychological. It is an encounter with Jesus Christ and a reconciliation with myself. And here lies the problem. I cannot forgive myself. In time, I will publish my spiritual journal of those 7 days. But at the moment, I am stressed.

At the moment, I feel like a bride who wants to run away the night before wedding. Have I not known Jesus enough? No. I think not. I celebrated my 45^th anniversary of Confirmation last month and in a few months, I will retire my 39-year career of Bible teaching. Do I not love Jesus? No. I always feel the same as St. Augustine that I have loved Him too late. Does Jesus love me? A categorical YES. There is no doubt about it and at times, I am conscious of his love. Is there anything missing? Not that I know of. So what is troubling me? I don't know. Perhaps I have not prayed hard enough.

"Little children, let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth. By this we shall know that we are of the truth, and reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." (1 John 3:18-20)
My conscience is condemning me. John said that my love in deed and in truth shall reassure my heart because God is greater than my conscience and He knows everything.

Perhaps this is the meaning of a private revelation of mine. My wounds shall never get totally healed. I shall have to carry my wounds until the day I meet my Creator who is greater than my conscience but for my sake, He will not erase it. This lack of peace shall accompany me for my whole ministry in the future. This is just the beginning, a foretaste of the things to come in the future so that when it comes, I shall not be caught unprepared.

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you." (John 15:7)
I pray that I shall not bring any scandal to the Church in my ministry. Amen.