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Friday 19 February 2010

True to oneself

Today, Isaiah decried the hypocrisy of the Israelites, the house of Jacob. They did not follow the commandments and statues of God. Yet, they wrapped themselves with piety. In so doing, they looked good in front of people, but not in the sight of God.
Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as if they were a nation that did righteousness and did not forsake the ordinance of their God; they ask of me righteous judgments, they delight to draw near to God (Isaiah 58:2).
One way to demonstrate their piety was fasting. Yet, in the sight of God, their fasting was worthless because it was selfish and quarrelsome. It did no good to anybody, including themselves.
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers.
Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with wicked fist. Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high 
(Isaiah 3b-4).
God taught them the proper way of fasting. God did not want outward shows of bowing the heads, spreading the sackcloth and ashes. God demanded reconciliation and charity.
Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
 (Isaiah 58:6-7)
God wants us to be true to ourselves. Our lives should not be a show to please the others. Otherwise, we shall be controlled by the others.

My father is still staying in the hospital. His condition is stable in the ward. However, the doctor has not been able to identify the cause of the heart condition of my father. He withheld and then resumed the drug prescribed by Dr. John Lee, a cardiology specialist, a Shung Tak alumnus. My younger brother and I expect him to keep my father in the ward until next Monday when Dr. John Lee commences his work after the Lunar New Year. In the meantime, there is nothing we can do but to wait. I stay in Chai Wan with my mother and my brother to keep them company. It gives me a good opportunity to talk with my mother.

My mother was very domineering and possessive. She insisted on Erminia and I staying overnight in Choi Hung in the early days after our marriage. She insisted on buying a flat in Amoy Garden which is close to Choi Hung so that she could take care of our meals. She could not let go her son and surrender him to another woman. I appreciate that she did all these out of her maternal love for me. But I had grown up and married. I needed autonomy. So I moved to Tuen Mun, giving her a lousy excuse that Erminia and her elder sister, Teresa, could support each other. To this day, she still puts the blame on Teresa for my moving away from her. However, she will not display her displeasure in front of my in-laws. Whatever she does, she makes sure that she looks good in front of all. She is never to be blamed. My diabetes is a godsend occasion for our reconciliation. At last, she is able to let go her son and is grateful to Erminia for taking good care of me.
My mother is losing her memory. My younger brother bought some fresh bread and brought it up to the ward to replace some old one for my father. Two minutes later, she asked me where my younger brother had gone. She knows that her memory is failing. She works hard to hold on to her remaining precious memories. But unfortunately, most of her stories are unpleasant ones. In our conversations, she repeats and repeats all those unpleasant stories of old, blaming this relative or that friend. But these stories are her interpretations. She chooses to interpret them with her own prejudice. All that she does, she does to maintain her self-image. She showers favours on people around her to buy herself good relations but they are not grateful. She works hard to stay superior in front of all. She is never to be blamed. I am not saying that my mother is hypocritical. But in the end, she is not happy. To soothe her pains, she resorts to alcoholism. When we try to reason with her, she will put the blame on my father for buying her the wine. In a sense, my mother is not living in the present. She cannot enjoy the good life my father and my younger brother are trying to provide for her. Alas! If we do not choose to be true to ourselves, whatever we do will come back to haunt us. We cannot afford not to be true to ourselves.

Dear Lord, have mercy on my mother. It is my wish as well as my brother's that my parents may spend their remaining days in a peaceful and happy manner. Amen. 

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