屯門贖世主堂
主題：【愛的喜樂】中的艱難
一位神父對【愛的喜樂】宗徒勸諭了，作出了一個一針見血的分析。他認為該文件在鋪排上，先提出聖經及耶穌的教訓，屬理想的部份；繼而討論當今婚姻及家庭所面對的種種困難，屬具體的部份。所以，全書九章之中，單數的章是理論的，理想的；雙數的章是現實的，具體的。事實上，人生在世，總離不開具體的柴米油鹽。但正如一齣電影的對白所說：「做人如果沒有夢想，跟鹹魚有甚麼分別？」人總要有理想，支持他向前邁進，支持他成長成熟。所以理想與現實，是不可分割，互相輝映。如何平衡理想與現實，是生活的藝術。
周神父邀請我與大家分享【愛的喜樂】第4至7章，共202段。始終我功力有限，所以這是一件「不可能的任務」。但責任上我總覺得無論如何表面化，也應作個撮要。上星期已經草草處理過第四章，今晚讓我首先撮要餘下的三章，然後分析一個個案，再作分享。
我對第4至7章，總算有所交代。再強調一次，聽兩次十多分鐘的講道，是不能取代自己閱讀原文的。上星期與大家分享了一個理想的處境，今晚打算和大家分享另一個並不理想的處境，請大家參考「愛之歌」的教導，看看如何應對。
個案：
這個案牽涉到家庭教育的問題，這是當年的事，過去了的事，是不能改變的事實。但家庭教育塑造了一個人的性格，一個人與天主的關係，影響著現在和未來。如今發生在自己身上的事，某程度上是性格所造成，倘若發生在別人身上，會由另外一個方向發展。但不要悲觀，因為這些危機，很多時候是天主所賜予的「救贖機遇」，使我們從性格的缺憾中，解放出來。教宗說：「家庭呈現的不是問題，而是呈現了契機。」（AL#7）
所有人都是母親懷胎十月所生的，所以作為母親的，很自然會捨不得放手，讓子女自由地成長，很容易陷入「控制子女」的陷阱。教宗說：「福音提醒我們子女不是家庭的財產，他們有自己的人生。」（AL#18）
回到上述個案的現場，在「婚外情」的陰影下，兩夫妻的生活又會怎樣呢？為了這「婚外情」的危機，免不了會爭吵，會互相指摘。怎麼辦？保祿宗徒的「愛之歌」有何指示？
「不輕易發怒」
「不因人家的犯罪而幸災樂禍，而以真理為樂
「凡事包容、凡事相信、凡事盼望、凡事忍耐」
第五章題為「果實纍纍的愛」，顧名思義，觸及愛的開枝散葉，迎接新生命，因為愛是充滿創造力的。所以第五章談及懷孕期的愛和作為父母的愛。而且，還突破血緣的局限，鼓勵「領養」，提出以家庭的愛，治療被遺棄者的創傷。最後，更拉闊父母的愛到跨代的愛，指出青少年與長者相處，如何令彼此的生命更豐盛。
說過理想之後，第六章的「牧民建議」又返回現實世界，處理一些具體的問題：包括混合婚姻，婚前的培育，新婚的陪伴，履行負責任的家庭計劃，如何陪伴分居和離婚的教友，家中有同性戀傾向的成員與及鰥寡等問題。
第七章「加強子女的教育」提出教育下一代的重要性。雖然現代社會已把大部份的教育工作交給學校，但家庭始終是一個愛的團體，是一個最有效的培育場所，這不是一般學校可以取代的。不出所料，第七章提出倫理道德及信仰的陶成。但令人意外的，第七章運用了8段文字談及「性教育的必要」，父母應教導子女言談衣著端莊、如何表達愛與尊嚴、欣賞和尊重自己和別人的身體。
父母教養兒子與女兒，通常是有分別的。做母親的，通常不會讓男孩子做家務，將來結婚後，理所當然由太太或者工人負責做。可能因為這個原因，很多男人變成不願長大的大孩子，在不知不覺的情況下，這些男人娶的妻子，很有母親的影子，娶了一個照顧他一切起居飲食的女性！結婚初期是美好的，但後來，發覺太太原來比母親更有「控制慾」。以為千辛萬苦，逃離母親的「魔掌」，到頭來卻是自掘墳墓。多可憐啊！就在捱受這痛苦的時候，身邊出現了一位善解人意，又需要呵護的女同事…
請大家與身邊的人分享，這段婚姻會面對甚麼困難，甚麼危機？可以渡過嗎？請按「愛之歌」分享意見，限時兩分鐘。
現代人希望生活質素好，便進行計劃生育，把子女的數目減少到最低限度。從前「家庭計劃指導會」的口號是「兩個就夠晒數。」子女的數目少了，父母所有的期望自然集中在一兩名子女身上，對子女造成了極大的壓力。【愛的喜樂】有以下的忠告：「儘管子女不是十全十美，要是他們就因此感覺到父母不愛他們，或不被關心，這會為子女造成極深的創傷，並會使他們在成長路上困難重重。」（AL#263）
基督徒不應該發怒嗎？耶穌不是教導我們，「若有人掌擊你的右頰，你把另一面也轉給他」（瑪5:39）嗎？其實，發怒是人類與生俱來的三種情緒之一，是有適當用途，給我們勇氣抵抗不公義的事物，缺乏憤怒，就不能把不公義領回正軌。而且，福音記載了耶穌兩次發怒。第一次在「治好枯手人」，第二次在「清理聖殿」。可見發怒並不一定是壞事。可是，憤怒的殺傷力很大，聖經相對地有多一些章節告誡我們不要心存怒火，不要把發怒變成習慣。聖保祿宗徒就有一句有名的忠告：「不可讓太陽在你們含怒時西落。」（弗4:26）更進一步，「當有人困擾我們，我們心裡首先應感恩，為對方設想，呼求天主解救和醫治他們。」（AL#104）為甚麼要為對方設想？為甚麼要為對不起自己的人祈禱？因為她是自己的配偶，是「二人成為一體」的另一半。與配偶作對，就是與自己作對。你還不懂聖經的教訓嗎？彼此心平氣和，纔能找到出路。
看見壞人失敗跌倒，可能有人會鼓掌。看見自己的仇人、敵人失敗跌倒，或者有人會鼓掌。看見自己的對手失敗跌倒，有體育精神的你縱使不扶他一把，總不會幸災樂禍吧！所以，誰會看見自己失敗的時候鼓掌呢？難道你與自己有仇嗎？
夫妻因婚外情反目成仇，第一個原因，就是人不能面對現實，逃避責任，把一切錯誤推到配偶身上。人真是「賴亞當的子孫」！第二個原因，就是平日缺乏做「以真理為樂」的事，就是做與「因人家的犯罪而幸災樂禍」相反的事，就是「當我們看到對方的尊嚴獲得肯定，他們能力和成就獲得欣賞，我們會因他們的益處而歡欣。」（AL#109）「看到別人萬事順遂，他就會感到高興，從而光榮天主。」（AL#110）平時，你有沒有肯定自己配偶的尊嚴，抑或在人前數自己配偶的不是：「是我紓尊降貴下嫁給他」、「我知道她是為了我的錢纔嫁給我」呢？平時，你能夠在自己配偶身上找到值得讚賞的能力和成就嗎？會見到她得益而感到高興，並且光榮天主嗎？這樣做，就是保祿宗徒所說的「以真理為樂」。
教宗說：『凡事包容』「是與言語相關，可以解作對別人的缺點『保持緘默』。這意味著不要妄下判斷，並控制自己的衝動，不要作出嚴厲苛刻的判斷。」（AL#112）
對於『凡事包容』的演繹，【愛的喜樂】第113段寫得很好，讓我把全文讀出，作為今晚分享的總結。教宗說：「彼此相愛相屬的夫婦必會為對方說好話，嘗試展現對方美好的一面，而不注目於其軟弱和過失。在任何時候，他們寧願緘默不語，也不願損害對方的名聲。這不是表面的行為，而是誠於中，形於外的行動；這亦非避重就輕，假裝看不到對方的問題和弱點，而是能夠保持心胸廣闊，從對方的角度體諒這些軟弱和過失，明白到這些缺失並不構成對方整個人。在關係上有不如意的事情，並不代表整個關係不好。我們應坦然接受：每一個人都是光明與黑暗縱橫交貫的個體。對方不只是那些使我煩惱的事，絕不止於此。因此，我不要求對方的愛十全十美才欣賞它。我愛的是對方的真貌和潛力，以及其所有局限。然而，即使對方的愛有其缺陷，也不表示這愛是不真實和虛假的。他的愛是真實的，但有其局限，亦有其世俗的一面。如果我期望過高，早晚會發現對方不能扮演神明的角色，也無法滿足我所有的需要。有愛的人會包容缺陷，面對所愛的人表現的缺點，懂得保持沉默。」（AL#113）
March 24, 2017
Holy Redeemer's Church
Theme: Difficulties in Amoris Lætitia
A priest made an incisive analysis of Amoris Lætitia. The layout of the document talks about the teachings of the Scriptures and Jesus first. This is the ideal part. Then it talks about all sorts of difficulties the families have to confront. This is the concrete part. Thus, among the nine chapters of the document, the odd number chapters are theoretical and idealistic, while the even number ones are realistic and concrete. Indeed, life cannot do away with concrete "wood, rice, oil and salt". But like a line in a popular movie which reads, "If a man lacks dreams, how is he different from a salted fish?" There must be ideals in a man to sustain him in moving ahead, in growing and maturing. Therefore, dreams and reality are inseparable and reinforcing each other. Balancing dreams and reality is the art of living.
Fr. Milanese invited me to share chapters 4 to 7 of Amoris Lætitia, a total of 202 paragraphs. With my limited capability, it is a "Mission Impossible". Still I feel that it is my responsibility, no matter how superficial it will be, to summarize them. Last week, I managed to scratch the surface of Chapter 4. Now, let me summarize the remaining three chapters first. Then I will analyze a case as a sharing.
Let me stress once more. Listening to two twenty-minute homilies cannot replace reading the text. Last week I shared an ideal case with you. Tonight, I want to discuss a less than ideal case and see how to handle it with the guidance of the Ode of Love.
Case:
This case involves the problems of familial education. These were things of the past which we cannot change. However, the personality of a man and his relation with God are shaped by family. It is affecting the present and the future. To a certain extent, what happens to a person is caused by his personality. If this happens to other people, it will take another route. Don't be pessimistic. It is because in many cases, crises are redemptive opportunities God gives us to liberate us from the defects of our personality. The Pope says, "Families are not a problem; they are first and foremost an opportunity." (AL#7)
All men were born of women. As a mother, it is natural not to let go their children to develop freely. It is easy to fall into the trap of "Controlling their children". The Pope says, "The Gospel goes on to remind us that children are not the property of a family, but have their own lives to lead." (AL#18)
Let's return to the case. In the shadow of "extra-marital affair", what would married life be like? Within this crisis of "extra-marital affair", arguing and fingerpointing are inevitable. What shall they do? What enlightenments does Ode of Love has for them?
Love is not irritable or resentful
Love does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right
Love bears all things, believes all things etc.
The title of Chapter 5 is "Love made Fruitful". It touches on the fruitfulness of love and about welcoming new life because love is creative. Thus, Chapter 5 mentions the period of pregnancy, the love of a mother and a father. Moreover, it breakthroughs the confines of blood relations and encourages adoption, how the familial love heals the wounds of being abandoned. Lastly, it stretches parental love across the generations, pointing out how young and old people living together may enrich each other's lives.
After talking about the ideals, Chapter 6 returns to reality with "Some Pastoral Perspectives" to deal with some concrete problems, including mixed marriages, preparation of the engaged for marriage, the accompaniment of couples in first years of married life, issues of responsible parenthood, of accompanying abandoned, separated or divorced persons, families with homosexual members and widowhood.
Chapter 7 looks "Towards a Better Education of Children". Although modern society has delegated the major educational tasks to schools, family is a community of love and thus an effective training ground which ordinary schools cannot replace. Without surprise, Chapter 7 discusses the formation of morality and faith. What surprises all is an 8-paragraph manifesto on "The Need for Sex Education". Parents ought to teach children modesty in clothing and speeches, how to express love and dignity; to appreciate and respect their own bodies and others'.
Parents raise boys and girls in different ways. Mothers usually do not allow boys to do house chores. After marriage, the wife or the domestic helper will take care of them. Probably because of this, many men do not want to grow up. Imperceptibly, many a man chooses a "mother figure", a female who takes care of everything for him, to be his wife. The first years of marriage were wonderful. But gradually, the man discovered that his wife is a worse "control freak" than his mother. How pitiful it is that he worked so hard to escape the control of his mother only to jump into the snare of another. Just when he was suffering, an understanding female colleague, who needs to be taken care of, appeared ...
Share what difficulties, what crisis this marriage is facing. Will it survive? Follow the teachings of the Ode of Love. You have two minutes.
Modern people want good quality in life. Therefore they practise family planning to keep the number of children to the bare minimum. In the last century, the war cry of the Family Planning Association of Hong Kong was "Two are enough". When the number of children is small, parents would invest all their expectations on one or two children, thus exerting tremendous pressure on them. Amoris Lætitia has this to say, "When children no longer feel that, for all their faults, they are important to their parents, or that their parents are sincerely concerned about them, this causes deep hurt and many difficulties along their path to maturity." (AL#263)
Should Christians not be angry? Doesn't Jesus teach us, "If any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Matthew 5:39)? In fact, angry is one of the three basic emotions humanity is born with. Its proper use is to give us courage to fight against injustice. Without anger, we are not able to right injustice. Moreover, the gospels tell us that Jesus was angry twice. The first time was at the cure of the man with a withered hand. The second time was at the cleansing of the Temple. So, anger is not necessarily a bad thing. However, the destructive power of anger is huge. Therefore, there are relatively more Bible passages warning against anger and not to make it a habit. St. Paul gave us a famous advice, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26) Furthermore, "Our first reaction when we are annoyed should be one of heartfelt blessing, asking God to bless, free and heal that person." (AL#104) Why should we be considerate? Why should we pray for an unfaithful spouse? It is because he/she is my spouse, the other half of the One Flesh. If we curse our spouse, we curse ourselves. Do you still not understanding the teaching of the Bible? Keeping calm is the only way to find a solution.
When we see a bad guy fall, probably some people will applaud. If we see our enemy fall, perhaps some of us may rejoice. If we see our rivals fall, sportsmanship does not allow you to rejoice! Who on earth will rejoice when we fall? Are you an enemy of yourself? Why does an extra-marital affair turn a couple into enemies? Reason#1, men cannot face the reality and evade responsibility. They blame the spouse. Men are truly descendants of Adam! Reason#2, we are not doing "rejoices in the right" enough, the opposite of "rejoicing at wrong". That is, "we rejoice at the good of others when we see their dignity and value their abilities and good works." (AL#109) "Sees that others are happy, they themselves live happily and in this way give glory to God." (AL#110)
In your daily life, do you affirm the dignity of your spouse, or enumerate his/her inadequacies before others? "I marry below myself to him." "I know she married me for my money." In your daily life, do you find any ability or achievements in your spouse that is worth praising? Do you feel happy and give glory to God when your spouse are doing well? This is what St. Paul says, "rejoices in the right."
The Pope says, "It (love bears all things) has to do with the use of the tongue. The verb can mean ‘holding one's peace' about what may be wrong with another person. It implies limiting judgment, checking the impulse to issue a firm and ruthless condemnation." (AL#112)
Amoris Lætitia 113 interprets "love bears all things" very well. Let me quote it in full as a conclusion to the homily tonight. The Pope says, "Married couples joined by love speak well of each other; they try to show their spouse's good side, not their weakness and faults. In any event, they keep silent rather than speak ill of them. This is not merely a way of acting in front of others; it springs from an interior atti¬tude. Far from ingenuously claiming not to see the problems and weaknesses of others, it sees those weaknesses and faults in a wider context. It recognizes that these failings are a part of a bigger picture. We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and shadows. The other person is much more than the sum of the little things that annoy me. Love does not have to be perfect for us to value it. The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal. It is real, albeit limited and earthly. If I expect too much, the other person will let me know, for he or she can neither play God nor serve all my needs. Love coexists with imperfection. It ‘bears all things' and can hold its peace before the limitations of the loved one."
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